The words we use to describe ourselves and our life have an out-sized impact on our experience of life. That’s a way of saying that something we seldom consider has a more powerful impact than we’d expect. Every time we hold ourselves to an abstract standard we set ourselves up to fall short, and then feel badly even when we’ve done well. Take something as simple as “doing my best.”

The word “best” has old roots, and includes the word “better,” making clear that it is a word requiring comparison to be understood. A thing that is better than another must be shown to be so by comparison. And so a thing that is best must be better than all other things. It’s a big world out there, and to declare something “the best” is always subject to later revision. And the standard for comparing is either an abstract notion I’ve created or accepted from someone else, or in reference to something I did at another time.

The word “optimal” has even older roots and is based on a specific context, and so must be evaluated in reference to itself. A thing that is optimal can be confirmed by looking back at what happened and seeing that what could be done was done. To declare that one has done optimal work means one can honestly say that one has done what one could. If I’m all-in and doing all I can, that is my standard for judging myself.

Once we look at the results of our action(s), the difference between “best” and “optimal” becomes clear. Let’s take two examples: making a tomato sauce from scratch and applying for a job.

In the case of the tomato sauce, I taste it and share it with my family or friends. Everyone says what they think of it. If my standard was “the best,” anything less than superlative praise shows an imperfection. If I have any thoughts of somehow I could have made it tastier, it’s clearly not “best.” However, if I sought to make the “optimal” sauce, every thing I hear that is not utterly negative tells me I did something worthwhile. Any criticism, from myself or another doesn’t detract from knowing I did my best, but could allow my next effort to be informed and changing what might be optimal then. (We will come back to this below)

In the case of a applying for a job, there is a baseline evaluation of getting the job or not. If I believe I’m qualified for the job and do my best, not getting the job would not only be a rejection of me but me at my best. Rejection hurts, and rejecting the “best of me” hurts more. If, on the other hand, I submitted my “optimal” application a rejection hits me differently, for while still a rejection of me it says the “optimal” I could do wasn’t up to the task.

And here’s where we bring it back. Life is seldom a series of one-shot and done or unconnected events. Many things we attempt we will do again, some of them again and again and again and again. Evaluating my “best” will almost never meet the standard, and so I begin the next time with negative thoughts. Evaluating my “optimal” takes into account all that went into the action(s): what I had to work with, the environment, the time in which I could do it, providing opportunities for my next “optimal” effort to be different.

Considering only the optimal cases, the tomato sauce can be made with different herbs and spices, simmered a different amount of time, be made of different or a different ratio of tomatoes, use a different pot, play different music — anything. If I don’t get the job, I can examine whether I was qualified, whether I truly wanted and would have been fulfilled by that position; and I can go online for examples or asks friends to look at what I submitted.

When I do the optimal thing, I feel good about what I did; and I can joyfully approach again something I did my optimal for.